Dina McMillan’s Ted Talk addresses common behavioral patterns among abusers and offers advice for people seeking or in relationships, ultimately laying out early warning signs for abusive relationships. As a social psychologist, McMillan studies influence and interaction and examines persuasion and coercion. Through conducting interviews with abusers, she identifies universal tactics of abusers and argues that most abusive relationships can be preventable with knowledge of warning signs.

At the beginning of a relationship, early tactics are known as grooming and involve scripted behavior or doing psychologically manipulative actions (lying, deceiving, performing) with the intent of increasing control and luring someone in by gaining their trust and emotional attachment.

McMillan’s research offers insight into manipulative strategies and aligns with Gottman’s 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse Theory: an abuser will criticize character, be defensive about their role in conflict, make a partner feel inferior or stupid, and use manipulative communication strategies across platforms. These signs seem obvious, but when paired with immediate and long-term psychological manipulation, a victim is easily cornered, controlled, and unable to get themself out of the relationship.

Abusers use a combination of “nice and nasty” or the “push-pull” to pull victims back in, which McMillan argues forms a stronger bond than if someone is moderately nice throughout the relationship. More specifically, the “too much, too soon, transforming” shortcut explains how too many compliments, gifts, togetherness, quick and possessive assumptions/talk about the future, and a partner immediately trying to change you or offer unsolicited advice on aspects of your identity are all early warning signs of an abusive partner.

An additional abusive tactic identified by McMillan is referred to as “you and me against the world.” Through this behavior, an abuser will demand sharing of secrets, try to join each other at the hip, attempt to isolate the victim from their loved ones, and exhibit possessive behaviors. Abusers develop strategies to maintain long-lasting relationships through being adaptable, finding ways to make passion seem genuine, and giving the perception that they have an unbreakable bond.

Sharing Sarah McMillan’s research on abusers with family and friends is a quick way to foster healthy lifestyles and offer support and protections for your community.